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12 Weeks 
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17 Weeks 4 days
18 Weeks
12 Weeks 16 Weeks17 Weeks 4 days 18 Weeks Saturday, December 12, 2009
Fun little survey
So here's a little survey I found on the What to Expect When You're Expecting online community...kinda fun!
About You
Name?: Natosha
Age?: 25
Height?: 5'3
Pre-pregnancy weight?: 128
About The Father
Name?: Ben
Age?: 27
Height?: 6'0"
Are you still together?: Yes - happily married!
About Your Pregnancy
Is this your first pregnancy?: yes & no - had a miscarriage in April
When did you find out you were pregnant?:September 4
Was it planned?: Yep!
What was your first reaction?: Shock...definitely didn't think it would happen that soon, fear of another miscarriage...HAPPINESS! We were very excited!
Who was with you when you found out?: Ben
Who was the first person you told?: First Ben, then my mom and brother
How did your parents react?: Everyone was ecstatic!!!
How far along are you?: 18 weeks 5 days
What was your first symptom?: Sore boobs & constipation
What is your due date?: May 10, 2010
Do you know the sex of the baby?: not yet!
If so, what is it?: I find out Dec 23 at 8am!
Have you picked out names?: Kind of - definitely for girls and a few for boys
If so, what are they?: It's a secret!
How much weight have you gained?: 9 lbs
Do you have stretch marks?: Nope - I hope the cocoa butter thing truly does help!
Have you felt the baby move?: Yes! Just a few flutters here and there and it's amazing!
Have you heard the heartbeat?: Yes, a few times!
About the birth
Will you keep the baby?: Absolutely!!!
Home or hospital birth?: Hospital
Natural or medicated birth?: Medicated - but would prefer no epidural
Who will be in the delivery room with you?: Just Ben
Will you breastfeed?: Of course!
Do you think you'll need a c-section?: I hope not but will go with what the dr says - I totally trust her!
Will you cry when you hold the baby for the first time?: For sure!
What's the first thing you might say to him/her?: I love you
Would you let someone videotape the birth?: maybe...probably
Are you excited about the birth, or scared?: I'm super scared, but very excited because I know it'll mean I finally get to hold my little one in my arms!
Thursday, November 19, 2009
New Life!
So after 3 months of waiting to be able to try for a little baby again, we reached August - the month we'd been waiting for to start trying again! Well, try we did, and Sept 4 was the magical day that we got a big fat POSITIVE test! I have never experienced so many emotions in such a short time - happiness, fear, excitement, grief, joy, fear...
After having experienced a miscarriage, I couldn't help but think of all the awful things that could, and had previously, happened. I felt so much excitement, but was also nervous about all the things most pregnant women shouldn't be thinking about. The dr got me in right away and did an ultrasound to make sure everything was in the right places, and it all looked good with the exception of a HUGE cyst on my right ovary. If the cyst got too big and didn't shrink, it could potentially twist, cutting off blood supply to the baby. Talk about adding nerves to the already nervous mama!
So basically they monitored the cyst and I got to see the baby many times as they checked the cyst. It got bigger and bigger, until it reached 5.9cm at about week 8. I was considered high risk and had to avoid bending, twisting, lifting, jogging, pushing, pulling, all those things that were basically required for packing and moving into a new house! Soo...my wonderful husband, mother, and mother in law packed up the majority of the apartment, and everyone helped us move in! Well I went back into the dr at week 10 cuz I was having back pain and was nervous that something might be wrong. However, when I went in everything was fine and we got to see the baby's little heartbeat. It was so surreal but such a reassurance that everything was fine. The ultrasound tech called it the "gummi bear" stage because it looked like a little gummi bear! And the other good news was that the cyst had shrunk - to 2.5 cm! Praise God! Prayer really does do wonders!!
At the 12 week ultrasound the cyst had gone down again to 1.3cm and the baby was healthy and showed no neural tube defects, AND it was sucking its thumb! It was only 3 inches long and it could suck its thumb and had vertebrate and organs...only 3 inches - what a miracle!
And THEN, at my 12 week OB, we got to experience the best part yet - we got to hear the heartbeat! There is nothing like hearing the heartbeat of a little baby growing inside you! It was crazy!!! I don't understand how anyone can NOT believe in God when I hear that! I know there is a scientific part of having a baby, but that all was CREATED by HIM! I mean, do people really believe in that "big bang" crap that things just exploded into little detailed arteries and uteruses and growing babies? Is it really SO hard for people to believe that there is a higher power that created them and will be the ultimate judgement? My heart goes out to and my prayers are with those who have yet to understand and believe in Him and the wonder of it all!
Soo...back to MY little gift from God! Once I reached 12 weeks, heard the heartbeat, and was no longer at risk with the cyst, my worry went WAY down and I began to enjoy everything that much more! I am now 15 weeks 4 days along and cannot wait until I start to feel the baby move! I am so blessed to have a beautiful little baby growing in me! I hope and pray every day that God will continue to keep our baby growing strong and healthy! I have my 16 week appt on Tuesday and am so excited to hear the heartbeat again!
The due date is May 10. We are going to find out what we're having - we figure it's going to be a surprise whether we find out now or at birth. And why not alleviate all the frustration with the yellows and greens and everyone not knowing if it's a little boy or a little girl. I mean honestly, can you REALLY tell if it's a boy or a girl when it's wearing gender neutral colors? If I have a little girl it's going to be dressed like a little girl - pink, purple, polka dots, the works. And if it's a boy, it's going to be full of trucks, and baseballs, and blue and green!
I cannot WAIT to find out what we're having. We have names picked out but we're not telling anyone what they are until the baby's born. This may sound rude, but we don't really care about everyone else's opinions on whether or not they like the names we have chosen. We figure that once the name is attached to a beautiful little baby, there can't be any complaints, right!?
I may sound like an opinionated emotional pregnant women, and perhaps that's true, but just setting my thoughts and feelings straight about the comments I've already received. "Oh really, are you sure you want to find out what you're having? You don't want it to be a surprise?" or opinions about traditional vs modern names, or making sure some family tradition is carried on with a name. It's a little much at times!
However, we have amazing families who are extremely supportive and caring and excited about this new life! And my little brother is soo excited about his first niece/nephew. He's living with us for a while and is soo willing and helpful around the house and in our lives! He is always asking how I'm doing or feeling and is so happy for us! I am so lucky to have such a loving supportive little brother!!! And our parents, as always, are fabulous! Ben's parents have been here on numerous occasions helping in the yard or with little projects around the house. From pulling dead plants to creating a new outlet in the basement, or fixing the leak in our dishwasher...it's all been soo helpful! My dad has been pretty preoccupied with a wedding and school, but is definitely looking forward to being a grandpa! My mom has helped me unpack box after box after box...and put up with my indecisiveness as I sit in Target debating over which type of organization method I want to use in the bathroom or bedroom or wherever else - and her decorating skills definitely come in handy! Picking out paint is the next battle! Haha!
So needless to say, we have amazing support, are in a great place in life, and we cannot wait until we have our little baby to hold in our arms in 25 weeks!
Stay posted to hear more about little baby Boline's journey from my womb to our arms!
After having experienced a miscarriage, I couldn't help but think of all the awful things that could, and had previously, happened. I felt so much excitement, but was also nervous about all the things most pregnant women shouldn't be thinking about. The dr got me in right away and did an ultrasound to make sure everything was in the right places, and it all looked good with the exception of a HUGE cyst on my right ovary. If the cyst got too big and didn't shrink, it could potentially twist, cutting off blood supply to the baby. Talk about adding nerves to the already nervous mama!
So basically they monitored the cyst and I got to see the baby many times as they checked the cyst. It got bigger and bigger, until it reached 5.9cm at about week 8. I was considered high risk and had to avoid bending, twisting, lifting, jogging, pushing, pulling, all those things that were basically required for packing and moving into a new house! Soo...my wonderful husband, mother, and mother in law packed up the majority of the apartment, and everyone helped us move in! Well I went back into the dr at week 10 cuz I was having back pain and was nervous that something might be wrong. However, when I went in everything was fine and we got to see the baby's little heartbeat. It was so surreal but such a reassurance that everything was fine. The ultrasound tech called it the "gummi bear" stage because it looked like a little gummi bear! And the other good news was that the cyst had shrunk - to 2.5 cm! Praise God! Prayer really does do wonders!!
At the 12 week ultrasound the cyst had gone down again to 1.3cm and the baby was healthy and showed no neural tube defects, AND it was sucking its thumb! It was only 3 inches long and it could suck its thumb and had vertebrate and organs...only 3 inches - what a miracle!
And THEN, at my 12 week OB, we got to experience the best part yet - we got to hear the heartbeat! There is nothing like hearing the heartbeat of a little baby growing inside you! It was crazy!!! I don't understand how anyone can NOT believe in God when I hear that! I know there is a scientific part of having a baby, but that all was CREATED by HIM! I mean, do people really believe in that "big bang" crap that things just exploded into little detailed arteries and uteruses and growing babies? Is it really SO hard for people to believe that there is a higher power that created them and will be the ultimate judgement? My heart goes out to and my prayers are with those who have yet to understand and believe in Him and the wonder of it all!
Soo...back to MY little gift from God! Once I reached 12 weeks, heard the heartbeat, and was no longer at risk with the cyst, my worry went WAY down and I began to enjoy everything that much more! I am now 15 weeks 4 days along and cannot wait until I start to feel the baby move! I am so blessed to have a beautiful little baby growing in me! I hope and pray every day that God will continue to keep our baby growing strong and healthy! I have my 16 week appt on Tuesday and am so excited to hear the heartbeat again!
The due date is May 10. We are going to find out what we're having - we figure it's going to be a surprise whether we find out now or at birth. And why not alleviate all the frustration with the yellows and greens and everyone not knowing if it's a little boy or a little girl. I mean honestly, can you REALLY tell if it's a boy or a girl when it's wearing gender neutral colors? If I have a little girl it's going to be dressed like a little girl - pink, purple, polka dots, the works. And if it's a boy, it's going to be full of trucks, and baseballs, and blue and green!
I cannot WAIT to find out what we're having. We have names picked out but we're not telling anyone what they are until the baby's born. This may sound rude, but we don't really care about everyone else's opinions on whether or not they like the names we have chosen. We figure that once the name is attached to a beautiful little baby, there can't be any complaints, right!?
I may sound like an opinionated emotional pregnant women, and perhaps that's true, but just setting my thoughts and feelings straight about the comments I've already received. "Oh really, are you sure you want to find out what you're having? You don't want it to be a surprise?" or opinions about traditional vs modern names, or making sure some family tradition is carried on with a name. It's a little much at times!
However, we have amazing families who are extremely supportive and caring and excited about this new life! And my little brother is soo excited about his first niece/nephew. He's living with us for a while and is soo willing and helpful around the house and in our lives! He is always asking how I'm doing or feeling and is so happy for us! I am so lucky to have such a loving supportive little brother!!! And our parents, as always, are fabulous! Ben's parents have been here on numerous occasions helping in the yard or with little projects around the house. From pulling dead plants to creating a new outlet in the basement, or fixing the leak in our dishwasher...it's all been soo helpful! My dad has been pretty preoccupied with a wedding and school, but is definitely looking forward to being a grandpa! My mom has helped me unpack box after box after box...and put up with my indecisiveness as I sit in Target debating over which type of organization method I want to use in the bathroom or bedroom or wherever else - and her decorating skills definitely come in handy! Picking out paint is the next battle! Haha!
So needless to say, we have amazing support, are in a great place in life, and we cannot wait until we have our little baby to hold in our arms in 25 weeks!
Stay posted to hear more about little baby Boline's journey from my womb to our arms!
UPDATES!
Well, it's been quite a while since I've updated my little blogger about my life. Let's see if I can sum up the lighter parts of the last few months...
The first week in August we went to Wisconsin Dells with the family I used to nanny for - best kids in the whole wide world! They're more like our "unofficial" family and we LOVE spending time with them!
And my friend Jen is amazing and brought me to Favre's first year s a MN Viking!!! Aah! The energy and excitement in that place was AMAZING!!!
Summer was an adventure consisting mostly of searching high and low for that perfect house... We put offers on 5 houses, one we were outbid by only $400, one we waited for 60 days to have the sellers back out...grr! But then in August we came across the first house we looked at in June and ta-da - we now have a home! We put in an offer and closed 3 weeks later - October 19th!!! Crazy!
We spent a wonderful 4th of July at the Luth cabin drinking yummy drinks (aka beer!) and hanging out in the sun on the boat. 
The first week in August we went to Wisconsin Dells with the family I used to nanny for - best kids in the whole wide world! They're more like our "unofficial" family and we LOVE spending time with them!
As always, we supported our MN Twins!!!
We also spent time at one of my favorite places ever - THE MN STATE FAIR!!!!!!! Here's a hot little picture of Ben and me at the MN Turkey booth, while we were in line for ice cream!!
And my friend Jen is amazing and brought me to Favre's first year s a MN Viking!!! Aah! The energy and excitement in that place was AMAZING!!!
Then this fall we had 2 weddings for 2 of my closest girl friends. Amy & Eric in September, and Jackie & Brandon in October. Soo much fun to celebrate fun times with great friends!
And of course there were many many more fun times this summer - these just happen to be the highlights and the things I have pictures of! It was a fun, rejuvenating, healing summer and early fall!!!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
So much to catch up on!
So I've just realized it's been a whole month since I last blogged! Yikes!
Soo... the last month I've been super busy!
My best friend's (Heather) boyfriend flew me out to LA the last weekend in May to surprise her for her birthday! He had a surprise party for her so she didn't know I was there until the surprise party and she was sooo surpised! It was amazing! So we had a fun girley weekend just hanging out and going our in LA.
Then the next weekend we went to AZ with Heather & Jesse and another couple (Matt & Nicole) to stay at her parents' home. It was amazing! It was better than a 5-star resort! We hung out by the pool, drank mimosas, yummy drinks, and of course some tequila, played lots of games - out favorite is a game we just learned called Dutch Blitz. It is honestly the best card game ever! So needless to say, we had zero desire to leave Sunday night. Well, we got out wish cuz our flight was cancelled! Unfortunately, everyone else had already flown out so the airline put us up in a hotel for the night and we made it back to MN Monday night. It was one of my top favorite trips in my life! And I can't wait to do it again!
And to top it all off, I just had my wisdom teeth removed this morning and I am in horrible pain!!!
Between our crazy vacations, we've been trying ot look at houses to buy! I also went to the dr before AZ and was given very very good news! She said I'm all back to normal and all is well, so we can start trying for a little baby again as soon as we want! We're going to wait through this cycle and then we'll see!!!
So that's my short and sweet version of all our excitement. And I think the Vicadin is kicking in... See 'ya!
Soo... the last month I've been super busy!
My best friend's (Heather) boyfriend flew me out to LA the last weekend in May to surprise her for her birthday! He had a surprise party for her so she didn't know I was there until the surprise party and she was sooo surpised! It was amazing! So we had a fun girley weekend just hanging out and going our in LA.
Then the next weekend we went to AZ with Heather & Jesse and another couple (Matt & Nicole) to stay at her parents' home. It was amazing! It was better than a 5-star resort! We hung out by the pool, drank mimosas, yummy drinks, and of course some tequila, played lots of games - out favorite is a game we just learned called Dutch Blitz. It is honestly the best card game ever! So needless to say, we had zero desire to leave Sunday night. Well, we got out wish cuz our flight was cancelled! Unfortunately, everyone else had already flown out so the airline put us up in a hotel for the night and we made it back to MN Monday night. It was one of my top favorite trips in my life! And I can't wait to do it again!
And to top it all off, I just had my wisdom teeth removed this morning and I am in horrible pain!!!
Between our crazy vacations, we've been trying ot look at houses to buy! I also went to the dr before AZ and was given very very good news! She said I'm all back to normal and all is well, so we can start trying for a little baby again as soon as we want! We're going to wait through this cycle and then we'll see!!!
So that's my short and sweet version of all our excitement. And I think the Vicadin is kicking in... See 'ya!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Rutgers Resort 2009!
We were very fortunate to spend a lovely weekend with Ben's side of our family. We went up to a resort in northern MN called Rutgers that we started as a tradition last year's Memorial Day weekend. My favorite moments of the weekend (in no particular order):
- THE FOOD!!! I cannot even begin to explain the amazing buffet we had every morning and night! Breakfast for me each morning was french toast, fruit, bacon, hashbrowns, more hashbrowns, and a side of hashbrowns - haha! Dinner was always some kind of steak or prime rib, a type of fish, pork, and a pasta. They had yummy grilled asparagus, and a GREAT salad bar!!! And then there were the desserts - need I say more? My favorite was brownie pie - the kind of brownie that's still a little gooey inside...HEAVEN!!!!
- I learned to golf! Well, technically I learned last year, but each year it's a complete re-teach! My wonderful mother-in-law, Ann, taught me...again! Whoever said mother and daughter in-laws can't get along - you are VERY wrong! We had a super fun afternoon, with the boys teeing off behind us! My 2 brother-in-laws gave me some great tips as well!
- My youngest brother-in-law laughing until he puked, literally, while we were playing Balderdash. It resulted in about 10 minutes of rolling-on-the-floor laughter for everyone!!! Hahaha!
- WINNING Family Feud - the prize being a weekend for 2 over Mother's Day weekend next year. (AND we cleaned up at BINGO too!)
- Watching the boys playing water Bocce - I have a WONDERFUL husband & WONDERFUL brother-in-laws.
- The beer after 18 holes of golf...I never understood why guys always say beer with golf is such a great thing...now I get it! Beer is definitely a necessity with golf!
- The quesadilla my mother-in-law and I had while sitting by the pool after going out on the paddleboat - it really was the best!
- My father-in-law's Scattergories answers AND my oldest brother-in-law's Balderdash answers - VERY entertaining!
- Sitting by the lake with Ben Saturday morning reading our books. SO pretty and quiet and relaxing
- Overall FUN with everyone! I love my family!!!
And here are a few pictures from the weekend:
Ben and I on the golf course! Me with my ridiculously huge sunglasses that left HORRIBLE tan lines!
Our cabin on the lake. Cabin 735 for the 2nd year in a row! 
The boys playing water Bocce- BRR! 
Our Family!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Back to "Normal!"
Monday I had my blood taken to see where my HCg levels are at. And I have a bruised right arm to show for it...apparently I bruise when I get blood taken! Hahaha! Well... I got my test results back today and my #s are back to negative! So I am back to "normal", as far as pregnancy hormones go. I go back June 2 to follow up with the Dr and see when we can think about trying again. But that thought is still super scary to me, just cuz I am so afraid of this happening again!!! Today was good news from the Dr for a change. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with still having my #s high and all the crap that may cause that! As much as this sucks, I do have to say it's gone pretty quickly and fairly smooth and my body is recovering pretty well. So I guess that's a good thing...right? So for now I'm in the wanting but waiting stage with a side of worry/fear that I'm sure won't go away until I have a healthy baby in my arms someday! Goodnight!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
He Will Carry Me
I am doing much better and got to spend the weekend with family at my brother's college graduation from UND in Grand Forks, ND, which was really nice! I have my next blood tests tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes - I'm feeling like everything is pretty darn close to being back to normal!!! Anyway, another short blog lacking excitement! But I'm a tired girl and am going to sleep!!! Goodnight!
Alright, I've got another song. This one has come at just the right time many times!!! I really think this speaks to hanging on, ESPECIALLY during the tough times! This is Mark Schultz's "He Will Carry Me"
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me
[chorus]
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
[chorus]
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm
[chorus]
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in my battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me
Alright, I've got another song. This one has come at just the right time many times!!! I really think this speaks to hanging on, ESPECIALLY during the tough times! This is Mark Schultz's "He Will Carry Me"
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me
[chorus]
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
[chorus]
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm
[chorus]
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in my battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Walk By Faith
Another song spoke to me on the radio today . It's Jeremy Camp's "Walk By Faith."
Apparently music is really important to my healing process...
Each day is getting better and better, but at the same time, I feel like I am betraying my baby by not being sad he/she is gone. I know that is ridiculous, but it's still how I feel...
Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya
[chorus]
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
[chorus x2]
Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith
Apparently music is really important to my healing process...
Each day is getting better and better, but at the same time, I feel like I am betraying my baby by not being sad he/she is gone. I know that is ridiculous, but it's still how I feel...
Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day
[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do
yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya
[chorus]
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace
[chorus x2]
Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day
So today was Mother's Day. This morning, I didn't think I could get through the day...
It was so hard wishing Happy Mothers Days to everyone else, but never getting to hear it myself...
Yes, I know that I am no longer pregnant, and yes, I know I am not a mother to a child here on Earth, but I strongly believe that I am still a mommy to a baby in Heaven.
I guess I endured the day by focusing on the wonderful mothers Ben and I have. My own mother is such a wonderful woman and has give everything for her children and shown us an amazing amount of unconditional love. My mother in law is one of the strongest women I know and more than I could ever have hoped for in a mother-in-law and I am truly blessed and proud to be a part of her family! I love both of them dearly, and that is literally what got me through the day.
I am adding a link to an article posted on my What to Expect message boards. The woman who posted it called it an "Article for Mothers Without Babies."
http://www.royalgazette.com/siftology.royalgazette/Article/article.jsp?articleId=7d954af30030005§ionId=80
I truly believe that Ben and I became parents the day our baby was conceived. But now Jesus is taking care of our little baby until we are able to hold him or her in our arms one day. I wish more than anything that we were the ones to hold our baby right now, but what better place for our little baby to be than in the arms of Jesus - the ultimate parent of unconditional love!!!
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to ALL mothers our there - once a mother, always a mother, whether on this Earth or in Heaven!
It was so hard wishing Happy Mothers Days to everyone else, but never getting to hear it myself...
Yes, I know that I am no longer pregnant, and yes, I know I am not a mother to a child here on Earth, but I strongly believe that I am still a mommy to a baby in Heaven.
I guess I endured the day by focusing on the wonderful mothers Ben and I have. My own mother is such a wonderful woman and has give everything for her children and shown us an amazing amount of unconditional love. My mother in law is one of the strongest women I know and more than I could ever have hoped for in a mother-in-law and I am truly blessed and proud to be a part of her family! I love both of them dearly, and that is literally what got me through the day.
I am adding a link to an article posted on my What to Expect message boards. The woman who posted it called it an "Article for Mothers Without Babies."
http://www.royalgazette.com/siftology.royalgazette/Article/article.jsp?articleId=7d954af30030005§ionId=80
I truly believe that Ben and I became parents the day our baby was conceived. But now Jesus is taking care of our little baby until we are able to hold him or her in our arms one day. I wish more than anything that we were the ones to hold our baby right now, but what better place for our little baby to be than in the arms of Jesus - the ultimate parent of unconditional love!!!
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to ALL mothers our there - once a mother, always a mother, whether on this Earth or in Heaven!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Hope Now, Faith Somehow
I have been hearing a lot of songs on the radio lately that have been very very uplifting. Today my inspiration comes from a song by Addison Road called "Hope Now." I have found that hope and faith are all I can have right now to get me through this time. Last night was a very hard night for some reason - not quite sure why - but it was, and then I heard this song today and it was like some of he pain was just lifted out of my heart. God sure does lift sorrow from a broken heart!
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours
(PRE-CHORUS)
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me freeI am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(Repeat 2x)
(CHORUS 2)
You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours
(PRE-CHORUS)
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me freeI am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life
(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(Repeat 2x)
(CHORUS 2)
You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Posted Wednesday May 6, 2009
What SHOULD have occurred today...
So today was going great until about 2:00...
My phone started buzzing at me, so I looked at it and it says "Ultrasound!!! 2pm!!" I had scheduled it the day I found out I was pregnant and just hadn't deleted the appt out of my phone after the miscarriage. Not a big deal right? Wrong!It didn't bother me at first, but a few minutes later it sunk in... "I'm supposed to be insanely happy right now - I'm supposed to be listening to my healthy, growing baby's heartbeat right now." Instead, I'm staring at my phone, insanely ANGRY at it, because it was buzzing the sickening reminder to me...UGH! Not to mention one of my coworkers asking why I was leaving early today...(I had previously scheduled time off to go to the appt, and then out to dinner with Ben to celebrate) So I had to say (holding back the tears)) that I ended up having the appt last week, so I wouldn't be leaving early anymore today.
Unfortunately, the appointment last week was NOTHING like it should have been this week - the exciting appointment I anticipated and thought would never get here...but in reality it came all too soon.
Soo...what SHOULD have happened today was constantly reminded to me, and the harsh reality of what DIDN'T happen today makes me sick.
AAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So today was going great until about 2:00...
My phone started buzzing at me, so I looked at it and it says "Ultrasound!!! 2pm!!" I had scheduled it the day I found out I was pregnant and just hadn't deleted the appt out of my phone after the miscarriage. Not a big deal right? Wrong!It didn't bother me at first, but a few minutes later it sunk in... "I'm supposed to be insanely happy right now - I'm supposed to be listening to my healthy, growing baby's heartbeat right now." Instead, I'm staring at my phone, insanely ANGRY at it, because it was buzzing the sickening reminder to me...UGH! Not to mention one of my coworkers asking why I was leaving early today...(I had previously scheduled time off to go to the appt, and then out to dinner with Ben to celebrate) So I had to say (holding back the tears)) that I ended up having the appt last week, so I wouldn't be leaving early anymore today.
Unfortunately, the appointment last week was NOTHING like it should have been this week - the exciting appointment I anticipated and thought would never get here...but in reality it came all too soon.
Soo...what SHOULD have happened today was constantly reminded to me, and the harsh reality of what DIDN'T happen today makes me sick.
AAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted Tuesday May 5, 2009
Today was a better day...
Today was a little better than the last few have been! I did not begin crying immediately upon waking up this morning, so I consider that a huge step in this process!Each day seems to be getting a little easier, and I'm finding that each little smile, or even a small laugh, makes me feel amazingly happy. It's odd that I feel so excited about something as simple as a smile on my own face...
I'm realizing that I will, with time, get through this. I will ALWAYS be a mommy to an angel in heaven, and someday I will hold and play with and kiss my little angel baby. I also know that God has a plan for us, and we have to keep faith in that!!!
I received a little saying in an email today that spoke right to my heart about all this:
When you're down to nothing,
GOD is up to something!
Worry looks around,
Sorry looks back,
Faith looks up.
Of course, I want more than anything to be pregnant right now, but I have to be patient, let my body recoup, and become as healthy as possible for the next time around. AND TRUST IN HIM!!!
I'm going to embrace the good days, and let myself cry my eyeballs out during the bad times!
I have had a fabulous support system, my friends, family, and the lovely ladies on the grief & loss board and I am soo thankful for everyone!
Posted Thursday April 30, 2009
Why?
This morning I began having brown spotting, then it turned to red, then I begin to have cramps. By the time I got to the dr at 2pm, my cramps had become pretty severe, and the bleeding worse. They did an ultrasound and confirmed that there was, in fact, a uteran pregnancy, but she couldn't confirm if it was ok, or if it was on its way out. Based on my last period and probably ovulation date, I was 7 weeks pregnant. However, she said the ultrasound looked about 5 weeks. So does this mean I miscarried at 5 weeks, and my body is just now starting to get rid of it?
After I got home from the dr, I had the absolutely worst pain and bleeding I have ever had in my entire life, and I am pretty sure I passed it...I go back in tomorrow to confirm the inevitable...
I am so devastated, as is my husband, and we just don't understand where to go from here or how to feel or anything like that. This just isn't fair!
This morning I began having brown spotting, then it turned to red, then I begin to have cramps. By the time I got to the dr at 2pm, my cramps had become pretty severe, and the bleeding worse. They did an ultrasound and confirmed that there was, in fact, a uteran pregnancy, but she couldn't confirm if it was ok, or if it was on its way out. Based on my last period and probably ovulation date, I was 7 weeks pregnant. However, she said the ultrasound looked about 5 weeks. So does this mean I miscarried at 5 weeks, and my body is just now starting to get rid of it?
After I got home from the dr, I had the absolutely worst pain and bleeding I have ever had in my entire life, and I am pretty sure I passed it...I go back in tomorrow to confirm the inevitable...
I am so devastated, as is my husband, and we just don't understand where to go from here or how to feel or anything like that. This just isn't fair!
Posted Wednesday April 29, 2009
I'm so scared!
This morning I started spotting and having moderate cramping and I am scared to death! I called the dr and they are pushing up my ultrasound and blood tests to today at 2pm. The thing that really sucks is that if there is a miscarriage happening, there is nothing they, or I, can do about it! My mom had placenta previa with me - which is essentially the placenta covering the cervix either partially or fully. She had the same symptoms I have at around this same time in her pregnancy, so I'm hoping it isn't that. But I'll take anything over a miscarriage! I know God will watch over me and the baby and whatever happens is his will, but I am praying and praying that our baby will continue to grow and be healthy!
This is not at all what I was expecting when I woke up this morning! Why do we have to go through things like this? It is so hard and even though it may mean nothing, it's very scary, especially when you haven't gone through it before!
I hope and pray that we find out everything is just fine today!!!!!
This morning I started spotting and having moderate cramping and I am scared to death! I called the dr and they are pushing up my ultrasound and blood tests to today at 2pm. The thing that really sucks is that if there is a miscarriage happening, there is nothing they, or I, can do about it! My mom had placenta previa with me - which is essentially the placenta covering the cervix either partially or fully. She had the same symptoms I have at around this same time in her pregnancy, so I'm hoping it isn't that. But I'll take anything over a miscarriage! I know God will watch over me and the baby and whatever happens is his will, but I am praying and praying that our baby will continue to grow and be healthy!
This is not at all what I was expecting when I woke up this morning! Why do we have to go through things like this? It is so hard and even though it may mean nothing, it's very scary, especially when you haven't gone through it before!
I hope and pray that we find out everything is just fine today!!!!!
Posted Monday, April 20, 2009
And so it begins...
Wow! I can't believe we are expecting our first child! Ben and I took our first positive pregnancy test 10 days ago and although it seems so surreal, it also feels like I've known forever! I am counting down the days until our first dr visit - May 6!!!!!!! We've told our parents and their reactions were amazing! We are going to have the most supportive, loving family I could ask for! There will never be a shortage of hugs or I Love Yous for us or the baby!It's still hard for me to believe because I don't "feel" pregnant, but it's evident in many symptoms that I won't indulge everyone with! Our due date is, unofficially, somewhere between Dec 15 & 17.This is going to be an amazing journey!
Wow! I can't believe we are expecting our first child! Ben and I took our first positive pregnancy test 10 days ago and although it seems so surreal, it also feels like I've known forever! I am counting down the days until our first dr visit - May 6!!!!!!! We've told our parents and their reactions were amazing! We are going to have the most supportive, loving family I could ask for! There will never be a shortage of hugs or I Love Yous for us or the baby!It's still hard for me to believe because I don't "feel" pregnant, but it's evident in many symptoms that I won't indulge everyone with! Our due date is, unofficially, somewhere between Dec 15 & 17.This is going to be an amazing journey!
Hello blogger!
It has been a very long last few weeks filled with every single emotion possible: shock, excitement, disbelief, happiness, fear, anxiety, worry, shock again, pain, agony, sadness, disbelief again, heartache, and, finally, FAITH!
I began a blog April 20 on whattoexpect.com, but decided to switch to this one. The following are my posts from there.
I began a blog April 20 on whattoexpect.com, but decided to switch to this one. The following are my posts from there.
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