Back to "Normal!"

Monday I had my blood taken to see where my HCg levels are at. And I have a bruised right arm to show for it...apparently I bruise when I get blood taken! Hahaha! Well... I got my test results back today and my #s are back to negative! So I am back to "normal", as far as pregnancy hormones go. I go back June 2 to follow up with the Dr and see when we can think about trying again. But that thought is still super scary to me, just cuz I am so afraid of this happening again!!! Today was good news from the Dr for a change. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with still having my #s high and all the crap that may cause that! As much as this sucks, I do have to say it's gone pretty quickly and fairly smooth and my body is recovering pretty well. So I guess that's a good thing...right? So for now I'm in the wanting but waiting stage with a side of worry/fear that I'm sure won't go away until I have a healthy baby in my arms someday! Goodnight!

He Will Carry Me

I am doing much better and got to spend the weekend with family at my brother's college graduation from UND in Grand Forks, ND, which was really nice! I have my next blood tests tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes - I'm feeling like everything is pretty darn close to being back to normal!!! Anyway, another short blog lacking excitement! But I'm a tired girl and am going to sleep!!! Goodnight!

Alright, I've got another song. This one has come at just the right time many times!!! I really think this speaks to hanging on, ESPECIALLY during the tough times! This is Mark Schultz's "He Will Carry Me"

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

[chorus]
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

[chorus]
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

[chorus]
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in my battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me

Walk By Faith

Another song spoke to me on the radio today . It's Jeremy Camp's "Walk By Faith."
Apparently music is really important to my healing process...
Each day is getting better and better, but at the same time, I feel like I am betraying my baby by not being sad he/she is gone. I know that is ridiculous, but it's still how I feel...

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

[chorus]
Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah, yeah, ya

[chorus]
Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

[chorus x2]

Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu (I will walk by faith)
I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

Mother's Day

So today was Mother's Day. This morning, I didn't think I could get through the day...
It was so hard wishing Happy Mothers Days to everyone else, but never getting to hear it myself...
Yes, I know that I am no longer pregnant, and yes, I know I am not a mother to a child here on Earth, but I strongly believe that I am still a mommy to a baby in Heaven.

I guess I endured the day by focusing on the wonderful mothers Ben and I have. My own mother is such a wonderful woman and has give everything for her children and shown us an amazing amount of unconditional love. My mother in law is one of the strongest women I know and more than I could ever have hoped for in a mother-in-law and I am truly blessed and proud to be a part of her family! I love both of them dearly, and that is literally what got me through the day.

I am adding a link to an article posted on my What to Expect message boards. The woman who posted it called it an "Article for Mothers Without Babies."
http://www.royalgazette.com/siftology.royalgazette/Article/article.jsp?articleId=7d954af30030005&sectionId=80

I truly believe that Ben and I became parents the day our baby was conceived. But now Jesus is taking care of our little baby until we are able to hold him or her in our arms one day. I wish more than anything that we were the ones to hold our baby right now, but what better place for our little baby to be than in the arms of Jesus - the ultimate parent of unconditional love!!!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to ALL mothers our there - once a mother, always a mother, whether on this Earth or in Heaven!

Hope Now, Faith Somehow

I have been hearing a lot of songs on the radio lately that have been very very uplifting. Today my inspiration comes from a song by Addison Road called "Hope Now." I have found that hope and faith are all I can have right now to get me through this time. Last night was a very hard night for some reason - not quite sure why - but it was, and then I heard this song today and it was like some of he pain was just lifted out of my heart. God sure does lift sorrow from a broken heart!

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

(PRE-CHORUS)
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me freeI am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
(Repeat 2x)

(CHORUS 2)
You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

Posted Wednesday May 6, 2009

What SHOULD have occurred today...

So today was going great until about 2:00...
My phone started buzzing at me, so I looked at it and it says "Ultrasound!!! 2pm!!" I had scheduled it the day I found out I was pregnant and just hadn't deleted the appt out of my phone after the miscarriage. Not a big deal right? Wrong!It didn't bother me at first, but a few minutes later it sunk in... "I'm supposed to be insanely happy right now - I'm supposed to be listening to my healthy, growing baby's heartbeat right now." Instead, I'm staring at my phone, insanely ANGRY at it, because it was buzzing the sickening reminder to me...UGH! Not to mention one of my coworkers asking why I was leaving early today...(I had previously scheduled time off to go to the appt, and then out to dinner with Ben to celebrate) So I had to say (holding back the tears)) that I ended up having the appt last week, so I wouldn't be leaving early anymore today.
Unfortunately, the appointment last week was NOTHING like it should have been this week - the exciting appointment I anticipated and thought would never get here...but in reality it came all too soon.
Soo...what SHOULD have happened today was constantly reminded to me, and the harsh reality of what DIDN'T happen today makes me sick.
AAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted Tuesday May 5, 2009

Today was a better day...

Today was a little better than the last few have been! I did not begin crying immediately upon waking up this morning, so I consider that a huge step in this process!Each day seems to be getting a little easier, and I'm finding that each little smile, or even a small laugh, makes me feel amazingly happy. It's odd that I feel so excited about something as simple as a smile on my own face...
I'm realizing that I will, with time, get through this. I will ALWAYS be a mommy to an angel in heaven, and someday I will hold and play with and kiss my little angel baby. I also know that God has a plan for us, and we have to keep faith in that!!!
I received a little saying in an email today that spoke right to my heart about all this:

When you're down to nothing,
GOD is up to something!

Worry looks around,
Sorry looks back,
Faith looks up.

Of course, I want more than anything to be pregnant right now, but I have to be patient, let my body recoup, and become as healthy as possible for the next time around. AND TRUST IN HIM!!!
I'm going to embrace the good days, and let myself cry my eyeballs out during the bad times!
I have had a fabulous support system, my friends, family, and the lovely ladies on the grief & loss board and I am soo thankful for everyone!

Posted Thursday April 30, 2009

Why?

This morning I began having brown spotting, then it turned to red, then I begin to have cramps. By the time I got to the dr at 2pm, my cramps had become pretty severe, and the bleeding worse. They did an ultrasound and confirmed that there was, in fact, a uteran pregnancy, but she couldn't confirm if it was ok, or if it was on its way out. Based on my last period and probably ovulation date, I was 7 weeks pregnant. However, she said the ultrasound looked about 5 weeks. So does this mean I miscarried at 5 weeks, and my body is just now starting to get rid of it?
After I got home from the dr, I had the absolutely worst pain and bleeding I have ever had in my entire life, and I am pretty sure I passed it...I go back in tomorrow to confirm the inevitable...
I am so devastated, as is my husband, and we just don't understand where to go from here or how to feel or anything like that. This just isn't fair!

Posted Wednesday April 29, 2009

I'm so scared!

This morning I started spotting and having moderate cramping and I am scared to death! I called the dr and they are pushing up my ultrasound and blood tests to today at 2pm. The thing that really sucks is that if there is a miscarriage happening, there is nothing they, or I, can do about it! My mom had placenta previa with me - which is essentially the placenta covering the cervix either partially or fully. She had the same symptoms I have at around this same time in her pregnancy, so I'm hoping it isn't that. But I'll take anything over a miscarriage! I know God will watch over me and the baby and whatever happens is his will, but I am praying and praying that our baby will continue to grow and be healthy!
This is not at all what I was expecting when I woke up this morning! Why do we have to go through things like this? It is so hard and even though it may mean nothing, it's very scary, especially when you haven't gone through it before!
I hope and pray that we find out everything is just fine today!!!!!

Posted Monday, April 20, 2009

And so it begins...

Wow! I can't believe we are expecting our first child! Ben and I took our first positive pregnancy test 10 days ago and although it seems so surreal, it also feels like I've known forever! I am counting down the days until our first dr visit - May 6!!!!!!! We've told our parents and their reactions were amazing! We are going to have the most supportive, loving family I could ask for! There will never be a shortage of hugs or I Love Yous for us or the baby!It's still hard for me to believe because I don't "feel" pregnant, but it's evident in many symptoms that I won't indulge everyone with! Our due date is, unofficially, somewhere between Dec 15 & 17.This is going to be an amazing journey!

Hello blogger!

It has been a very long last few weeks filled with every single emotion possible: shock, excitement, disbelief, happiness, fear, anxiety, worry, shock again, pain, agony, sadness, disbelief again, heartache, and, finally, FAITH!

I began a blog April 20 on whattoexpect.com, but decided to switch to this one. The following are my posts from there.